So I was wide awake in the middle of the night and was praying. Well, it was actually more of a one-sided conversation. My part went something like "When?" (silence) "Why?" (silence) "Where?" (silence) "Who?" (silence) "How much?" (more silence). And since that didn't seem to be getting me anywhere, I asked "What are You waiting for?" Then the answer came. It was not what I was expecting, certainly not what I wanted to hear. In the stillness of my soul He spoke...
Surrender.
Ick. OK, so what else can I surrender? I've moved away from my home state. Given up my career. Left my extended family. Don't have friends here. I feel emotionally, socially, and often spiritually exiled. WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT???
Control.
Double ick. Triple humility. Quadruple shame. Huge apology. Magnanamous forgiveness. Sweet freedom.
As you see, the struggle continues. Wish I had this Chist-follower thing figured out, but I think that would exclude faith...and thus miss the entire point.
So, once again, I face tomorrow with questions still bouncing around in my head about our future. And we will need answers soon. But I am thankful that the answers are not up to me. Control rests once again in my Savior's capable hands.
I'm glad that you told me to read your first blogs. This is exactly where I am. My spouse has said numerous times that I struggle with control issues and I know I do, but I never understood the extent. God is definitely teaching me to let go of "what I want, what I planned, how I saw our future" and know that He has designed our future and allow Him to direct our lives and not us.
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