Wednesday, January 21, 2009

He spoke

So I was wide awake in the middle of the night and was praying. Well, it was actually more of a one-sided conversation. My part went something like "When?" (silence) "Why?" (silence) "Where?" (silence) "Who?" (silence) "How much?" (more silence). And since that didn't seem to be getting me anywhere, I asked "What are You waiting for?" Then the answer came. It was not what I was expecting, certainly not what I wanted to hear. In the stillness of my soul He spoke...


Ick. OK, so what else can I surrender? I've moved away from my home state. Given up my career. Left my extended family. Don't have friends here. I feel emotionally, socially, and often spiritually exiled. WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT???


Double ick. Triple humility. Quadruple shame. Huge apology. Magnanamous forgiveness. Sweet freedom.

As you see, the struggle continues. Wish I had this Chist-follower thing figured out, but I think that would exclude faith...and thus miss the entire point.

So, once again, I face tomorrow with questions still bouncing around in my head about our future. And we will need answers soon. But I am thankful that the answers are not up to me. Control rests once again in my Savior's capable hands.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

There's no plan B

What a roller coaster our life has been for the last 2 months. My dh lost his job mid-Nov. and since I am a stay-at-home mom, this has rocked our little idealistic world. I, quite naturally, have turned introspective. Just what is it that God is teaching me? What is He requiring of me? And when can we get on with our lives?

So far, we have ridden the roller coaster of job prospects. The ups are fun. They are filled with possibilities. They are fertile ground for speculation and dreaming. Hope abounds.

But when we go through those down days...let's just say that things are not so sunshiny around here. When there are no job prospects or, even worse, rejections come, our attitudes turn south. It's as though our outlooks hinge on this one thing. Yes, I know they should not. But they do. And that's the honest truth.

So, what to do? I have 3 precious boys that deserve a happy home. I have a God who genuinely does have my best in His plans. I have a husband who has chosen to be in a covenant for life with me. And when I really get down to it, I know that I would not be walking (swimming!) through these deep waters of my own volition. My God knows me and knows that I like the shore. I like safety. I want to make a safe haven of my home and STAY.

But the drawback to that is that if I had it my way, I would never dangerously trust my God. My faith would never be tested. My service would only be of the lip variety.

Here's what I am coming to find: (now pay special attention...wait for it...wait for it) God is good. He has provided for His people through the ages and is not going to make an exception and stop with us. He loves me. And, most shockingly, is graciously allowing me to know Him in a new way through this experience. After 31 years of being His child, I am coming to know Him as my sufficiency. Period.

And, like it or not, I'm trusting without a net.